Free falling

I’ve been a bad little blogger and I’m sorry… it’s not that I haven’t had things to write about it, it’s just that I’ve been busy putting my emotional energy into other things like immersing myself in Game of Thrones (late to the party as always) and¬†hatching this weird little relationship I’m embroiled in.

For those deeply interested in my love life (shame on you, haven’t you got something more¬†compelling to focus on… like the fluff in your bellybutton) you may remember that my last post talked about the ending of what was potentially a very promising relationship.

I may have been a little premature in writing it off because here I am, we are, back into it.

I’ve called this post “free falling” because that’s how it feels trying to establish a new relationship after being in a very long term one. I don’t have a good frame of reference any more for how to behave with a new person I’m romantically interested in; I guess I’ve become lazy over the years. Especially when the new person has issues I don’t fully understand, yet. (Because God knows I don’t have any issues myself, being perfect and all.)

I literally feel like I’m floating through darkness and I keep hitting things. At first I used my usual problem solving approach when I hit an issue I couldn’t control: the battering ram. But I’m learning that there are other ways. It’s not always easy but it’s turning out to be more fun than I first thought.

It’s worth bending a little, adapting a little for someone special. Don’t worry, I’m still the giant pain in the arse I always have been and always will be. Some things will never change.

Yes there are allegedly a lot of frogs in the pond but some frogs really are princes, even if they don’t know it. For now I’ll just stick to kissing this one particular frog and we’ll see how things work out.

Prelude: NYC

In 24 hours I’ll be on my way to the airport for the much anticipated trip to New York with my besties. I can’t believe it’s taken this long to be here and I can’t believe it’s actually here.

It’s amazing how life can change in a short period of time. A few months ago when McNulty dropped a missile onto my life I didn’t see how I’d be able to go on this trip and enjoy it. It just didn’t seem possible.

Then the dust settled and the future started to seem not only possible but bright. I knew this trip would be just what I had imagined and what I needed.

But life wasn’t finished playing little games with me. Two weeks ago I met someone who really shook me up, made me feel things I hadn’t felt for a long time, made me laugh, made me purely happy. I couldn’t be more surprised (I might get that put on a t-shirt, life has been constantly throwing surprises at me lately).

It’s obviously too early to tell where it’s all going and what it all means. And I’m trying hard not to do my usual thing of over thinking everything. But right now, as I finish packing for New York, I feel like I’ll be leaving a tiny bit of my heart in Sydney with a man with a sad predilection for tracky daks.

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

It is really bloody hard to write those words about the man you have spent almost twenty one years of your life with; the man you saw as your life partner, the father of your children, the one with whom you have shared the ups and downs for as far back as you can remember and the one you had hoped you would share the future with.

If you’ve been wondering why Deep Kick Girl has been silent of late it’s because she’s been busy watching her marriage and, to some degree, her life shatter with absolutely no prior warning.

I don’t need to go into details, not because I am shy about publicly sharing the hard truths of my life but because for some reason I want to protect the dignity of the husband formerly known as Big Jay. I could probably argue that his dignity is not worth protecting but I know within myself that there is nothing to be gained from putting all the gory details out into the cyberworld for all eternity.

The bottom line is he has chosen to walk away from our marriage, our family and our future to chase a mirage. I have lost all my respect for the man I loved so dearly not so very long ago. It is a surreal feeling. I do not recognise him when I look at him and currently I am avoiding looking at him because the sense of loss and disbelief is overwhelming.

It’s been an emotional rollercoaster for the past five weeks but I have stepped off now and gradually things are coming back into focus. I no longer feel like I have been punched in the stomach every waking moment. I no longer have the words “how” and “why” and “no” doing a non-stop conga line around my brain. I am no longed wrecked with constant anxiety about how we will cope financially, about how the kids will cope with not having their father around every day and about how I will manage to put on the bloody huge king sized quilt cover without another set of helping hands.

My predominant emotions right now are indignant anger (the physical need to send text message along the lines of “you f*&king useless c^%t… how dare you do this to us you complete f@#king imbecile” is quite gut wrenching at times) and also a sense of hope and optimism. Every day I feel stronger, clearer, more confident and more excited about the future.

It is unbearably painful to realise that the man you thought was your life partner doesn’t love you any more and doesn’t even like you enough to treat you with some respect. But it is also incredibly empowering to know that you can and will survive. It is painfully wonderful to realise that you are surrounded by people who truly do love you and will support you and your children through thick and thin. It is this outpouring of love and kindness which has made me cry the hardest during these past weeks.

I have been down but I am certainly not out. The kids are doing well and they are really awesome little people who make me swallow any thoughts or words of the “I have wasted the last twenty years” variety.

There is now less than five weeks until I fly out to New York with my little posse of middle aged women gone mild. When this first went down the thought of this trip made me sick – how could I go and in any way enjoy this holiday when my life was in ruins? But now I feel crazy with excitement; my sister awaits, my besties by my side… how can I not look forward to what will be ten days of fun and great memories in the making?

There is a red hot coal of sadness inside me which will take a very long time to exhtinguish but it is now becoming insulated by layers of anger, optimism, hope, happiness, excitement and love. There is no underestimating how much of a healer time is, I am experiencing that magic every single day at the moment.

I will always choose to count my blessings and keep the events of my life in perspective and I will always choose to celebrate life rather than wallow in fear, anxiety or self pity. That is my revenge.